10th May, 2007. 8:22 am. Fifth Entry - I Tempted Fate!
Not fair, I said 'see you soon' and then suddenly it's 2007. I forgot about this for 5 years??? How did I do that? Maybe I really do need my head put back on straight!
Lots happened in the last 5 years, but I'm not sure how much is sharable on the web (:-)) (double chin!). My family's grown by leaps and bounds and that just makes me very happy, but also a little bit scared too. Sometimes I worry that I'm not going to be good enough for them all. It's very hard to be the person you think you should be when you've got your past as a selfish bitch dragging you back down.
But that's okay. At least, that's what everyone tells me. I hope they're right, because I want everything TO be okay. There're a lot of members to talk about, but hm... well I've got two little girls I've been spending a lot of time with. Their mother named them both Dawn (don't ask, and I promise you it's not really as mean to them as it might seem!). One's a little angel and the other one's a little demon, but I actually understand the demony girl a lot better because she's so much like what I used to be... only much smarter. I sometimes don't k now how to relate to the little angel, because I keep expecting the smile to turn into a smirk, you know? But it doesn't, but I keep telling myself it won't, but that doesn't matter because it's the heart and not the head feeling it. I'm trying though, trying hard. I think we're making headway. Or at least I think I'M making headway... she doesn't have anything to change about herself!
Still, it's pretty scary. I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells and that I'll do something wrong. But it's also really beautiful, and I don't want to ever let it go.
Oh! I bet I could use nicknames for all the kids in my extended clan! And then I wouldn't have to worry about whether I should name them here. So from now on, I'll call these two the little angel and the little demon. It'll be our little secret who I'm talking about (wink).
Well that's about all I have right now. I'll get back to all the books and things I'm reading next time! And since saying 'see you soon' was a curse, I'll just say 'see you later'!
25th April, 2002. 8:52 am. Third Entry - Never Ever Ever Tempt Fate
Hmph. If life hadn't been so interesting lately, I'd be all upset that I missed about four months of writing here. It was my own fault, for thinking that I was going to do this every day at first!
I'm at home, just before classes, and I'm feeling that general je ne sais quoi... that ennui of the soul (mmmm, souls!) that kind of feels really good even if it's going to keep you from getting anything productive done. If I didn't have iron discipline and will, or at least a paper to hand in (!), I'd still be in bed and snoozing.
But instead I'm here, with a nice steaming cup of hot chocolate (coffee smells really nice, but tastes like ground-up tree-bark, and I've had soooo much tea this week that it's lost all meaning for me), waking up in fits and starts and getting my thoughts down on glassy paper. Let's see what's new...Family
My relationship with my family keeps getting better and better. Sometimes it's weirdly self-affirming to sit up with someone who's going through hard times and realise that you made a big difference. It's even better if that person is one of your favorite people in the world.
There are also babies in my life. No, not my own! I wish. Well, I kind of wish, but I have the next best thing. I have lots of little ones to play with by proxie, and it means I don't have to give up school or anything else while I'm getting on my feet. Did I say that before? The part about there being babies to play with, not having to give up school over children? I don't remember, but if so, there it is again!
Children are so sweet and weird. I mean it. They're weird
. They're these little bundles of innocence who are totally dependent for everything they need on big people who can't even stop shooting each other on the freeway. I'd say that we needed more babies in the world, so everyone with the time to shoot each other would spend it taking care of children, but probably we'd just wind up raising a race of tail-gunners. *sigh* People are iiiidddjits sometimes.
So babies to hold. Yay! I wonder if they'll annoy me once they get older and start to develop free-will. I'm mostly kidding, but who can say? I like getting my own way in things. Maybe I should practice holding my breath till I turn blue... but no, the kiddies would just think I'm being a Smurf and giggle all delightedly. Oh well, I'll just carry around some Hershey's miniatures and bribe the heck out of them. :-) Music I've Heard Lately
Arrrrgh! Just as I was stepping out the door last week, something... I think
called Ring of Fire
was playing on the radio. I only heard the chorus, but that was enough! Now it's going through my head all the time, and it won't get out (and no jokes about how there's nothing in my head to stop it)! If I knew who sang it, I'd go and get the CD, because maybe I could make myself sick of the song.. that should get my brain all nice and tidied up, right?
Another song I heard was one that went 'I've been bought/ and I've been sold/ I need protection from the cold'. It's like the month for songs I don't know the names to. That one really had me listening all the way through, but I can't find anyone who knows it either! *sigh* I'd love to sing along, but no joy!Books I've Read Leaves of Grass
. You're all going to really hate me, you know? But I thought that this book of poetry was pretty. And that's it. I guess I started to read it thinking that reading it would magically make me a better person. You know, sort of poetic chin-ups? It's a 'classic', and reading classics is great for you! I guess... but I just didn't get much out of it. So does this make me a dullard or just a soulless girl? I'm sure everyone's going to have their own commentary on it...
I think the problem is that none of the images really even caught me. *sigh* I'm going to look for other things I can enjoy. Things that mean more to me. I don't care if you call it a classic!!! :-)Something Good
Babies!!!! Okay, okay. I had a really great talk the other day. I mean really, really great. We were all discussing James Joyce in class, right? And our time ran out. And I was still talking to someone else as we were going out of the classroom. So we leaned up against the wall to keep talking, and then some of the other people in our class noticed, and chimed in. And we had practically the whole class there, talking, in the hall! And, well, it might not seem big to you, but it feels kind of to me, because it wasn't something that just stayed in the classroom. It was something we were all interested in talking about (Dubliners
, if you're wondering) and I felt all these connections to these people through this one book, and it was great to know that school isn't all
memorizing and spitting things back up onto test papers... it can be about what you -like-!Something Bad
I'm off peaches. I love peaches, but I got one with a great big mushy brown spot inside of it. I took a biiiig bite and was expecting that wonderful, tartsweet juice and instead, blech. Now I can't bite one without wondering what's under the skin. It's not fair!!! :-P :-)A Little Poetry Work
I don't know how to find you,
I don't know if you care,
I haven't been able to reach you,
Am I really there?
It's hard to talk on the telephone,
Send some mail or raise my voice,
Some days my soul is gone from me,
I do miss it, but that's its choice.
Val, the no-longer-missing!
14th December, 2001. 9:25 am. My Amazing Second Entry
Hey again all! I'm glad I wasn't a one-hit wonder! I'm going platinum, and I'm taking you all along with me until I decide that the scene's not quite what it used to be and decide that I'm going Indie, scorning money, success, fame and objectivity.
It's ten in the morning and I don't have any classes till one. So sinfully, I'm sitting in my bathrobe, updating my journal. For my last entry, I was also in the old bathrobe; I suppose when you have a comfortable one, you really want to wear it whenever you can. Though there's something fun about the cozy vulnerability of a bathrobe, isn't there? You just know you can't go out in public in it, and if someone breaks in, you're sure not dressed to deal with it -- but that reinforces that you're home and that you're in a place that's yours, where you set the rules rather than letting someone else do it. Of course I could just like the feeling of the material, but I don't think that's all of it!
My family's still AWOL. Though since it's finals (or almost just about done finals!) I've been too busy to really notice. But once the semester is done, they'd better be ready for me!
I wonder if I should buy them all Christmas gifts. I've never celebrated the holiday before; it was anathama back home, but now I'm here, and I'm allowed to do everything I want to. That includes turning on the radio and humming to Christmas songs while I'm washing dishes... that includes getting a Christmas tree for myself and decorating it however I want... oh, I want to go get a tree now. Just because I can. I even have the perfect spot for it. There's a little nook right by my kitchen table where a small one would look perfect. I wonder if ornaments cost much... I should look into that. I want it to look soooooo traditional. I want to at least sample this whole Christmas season spirit thing that people seem so determined to either love or denounce as too commercial. How can something be too commercial if you can just close your eyes to the parts you don't like? Some days people are the silliest gooses.
Oh, and I had better see if I can get a copy of A Christmas Carole. Maybe I could make some hot chocolate and curl up to read it before it comes on my T.V. tomorrow. I should ask Erin about this... maybe there are some other observances that I won't want to miss. I'll let you know how my great Christmas Experiment works out.
Music I've Heard Lately
Christmas music! Lots of it on my radio! Should I be getting this excited that I'm allowed to listen to it? Probably not, but I am! (grin) There's still something soooo funny about "Angels We Have Heard On High"... I just start giggling whenever I hear it. "Oh Christmas Tree" is a silly song, but I love it for being silly. "We Three Kings" is fun, but it took me a looong time to figure out that they weren't coming from someplace called Orientar. I can be an airhead sometimes... mostly when I get swept up in the music. And the singing of the music. I'm singing too much these days, or maybe I'm not singing enough. After I learn the words to a new carole I start to belt it out and I'm sure my neighbors are absolutely furious with me after the third round of "Jingle Bell Rock". But it's just so liberating to be able to sing at the top of my longs and no one will care (except maybe for my neighbors, but screw them! (wink)).
I guess I'm all Holiday-ish inside already!
Books I've Read
Do my textbooks count? Oh, I was such a little silly cit last week. Remember how I said I didn't read anything? I'm paying for that now!!!!
Something Good That Happened To Me
Maybe I need to rethink this section. After all, I keep getting the urge to say 'doesn't x count'? Um, let's see... I found a quarter in a phone booth coin return. Is that a big deal? Well no, not really, because I have many other quarters of my own; but I found this one when I suddenly felt like going over to the phone and checking for change someone had left. I've never done that before, because it's always felt like money-grubbing, and I don't think I'll do it ever again, because I don't want to spoil the magic. But there was a quarter all right, and I felt like it was my lucky day! Um, up till a taxi rolled past me and splashed my new velour dress with side-of-the-road-slushy-muddy-water. (sigh)
Something Bad That Happened To Me
I got slushed by a taxi! What more do you want, vultures? (grin) Pictures?
A Little Poetry Work
Youth is wasted on
The young who do not see its
lost on the old, too.
Glancing behind me
I see a life not of me
Empty but I'm full.
That's all for this week! Let's see if I survive finals. If I do, I might get to write here again!
Read 5 Notes -Make Notes
3rd December, 2001. 10:39 pm. Hello everyone.
Well hi there, everyone. Or anyone. I don't really know what sort of people are going to be reading this and I'm not even sure if anyone will. That's the fun of doing this on a whim. I don't really know what's going to come out of it.
I suppose I should mention why I'm starting this log. I'm sure you're just fascinated
by the whims of a stranger that you've never met. But really, I'm a little bit lonely. Please, don't think that I'm not the graceful little social butterfly my friends-of-ether, but any time I'm not spending with someone else I feel a little bit lonely. It comes out of my training. My 'childhood', you could call it, though maybe one day I'll tell you more about it. So I think I'm going to write here every so often, when I haven't brought someone home with me. Or when Erin or Tess aren't with me. Or when I'm not studying, playing, enjoying or any of the other hundreds of things that I do.
Hmmm... so now I've talked all about why I'm doing this. I suppose I should put my freshly freshman-minted mind towards the how of things. Honestly, those essay-writing courses have spoiled me. I thing I want a set format all my own. Something aesthetically pleasing to me. Something that leaves me lots of room. Have I bored you off yet? Are you still there? Maybe hoping that this strange new journal-writing-person writes something more interesting than she has already?
Oooh, someone's a glutton for punishment. I know a little about punishment. But don't ask me about that, not yet. We only just met.
I think I have something. Let's see if it works for me.
I haven't really seen my family all that much this week. Tess and Erin seem to have something that they're working on. I hope it's fun to see. I always love what they create together, though sometimes I'm a little jealous at how easily they work together. Is it silly to be jealous about people making things that are just absolutely beautiful? Probably.
I still haven't met Erin's children, but I'm so looking forward to that. I wonder what sort of an 'aunt' I'm going to be to them. It frightens me sometimes, thinking about that, which is possibly why I haven't really brought the matter up lately. My aforementioned 'childhood' sometimes seeps out at the oddest times.
The rest of the family back home is the same as it always is: petty, small-minded and crude. The less said about them, the better.
Music I've Heard Lately
One of the best things about my new life is all the wonderful music in it. There wasn't much back home. Mostly what I played, or heard when I went wandering.
I sat at my window today and listened to Wagner. I think one of the songs was about the end of the world. It was storming at the time and I was drinking tea in my bathrobe. Have you ever had a moment that makes you giddy from your head to your toes? All that made me have one. I cried for half an hour. I don't know why, but it felt right and cleansing.
Books I've Read
Silly me. I've been skipping my class readings. What terrible study habits I'm developing. I guess I need to listen to less Wagner and sit at fewer windows. Or maybe I'll find something else that distracts me tomorrow.
Something Good That Happened To Me
You don't think the rain counted? Oh all right. I went walking outside, barefoot. It's been unseasonably warm and I was in the middle of studying history when suddenly I knew I had to go out right then and there and make use of the weather or I'd hate myself forever. For the day, at least. So I walked almost the whole town, or at least my little neighbourhood, feeling the leaves on my feet and in between my toes. Oh bliss...
Something Bad That Happened To Me
I shouldn't really say this, because I know that Erin will read this. I shouldn't, but I want to say and don't want to just tell her. I feel like I'm a flasher, only I'm exposing a little of my life to the world instead of my body. I suppose that makes sense for me, though, since I don't really have any shame over my body.
But I woke up a few days ago and I felt pinned to my bed by fear. I was deathly afraid I was going to be left alone. I had trouble breathing. I couldn't get up, even though it was mid-morning daylight and my room was cheerful and even a bird was singing outside. It didn't matter. I was sure I'd been left alone, forgotten and it took me almost half an hour to finally will my arms to lift me. I'm sorry.
A Little Poetry Work
I'm not a poet. But I'm going to keep trying to write song lyrics or poetry every time I log in. People tell me that I have the soul of a demon, though, so I'm not sure what I'll turn out.
I love haiku. I love the aesthetics. There's going to be a lot of it, sorry!
Love was a cancer
Cut out of me as a girl
I've grown to full bloom.
It's not Ezra Pound, is it?
I think that's all that I've got. So I hope to talk to you later. Write to me! This is exciting!
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